As most mother's know, pregnancy can bring some of the most uncomfortable feelings, ailments, and situations imaginable. For me, all of the above took place. The oddly shaped maternity clothing and the awkward OBGYN doctor appointments are always good for a laugh. When I hit my fifth month of pregnancy, I began to need the pregnancy undergarments and special maternity pants. There's a downside to those pregnancy underwear though. As the woman's belly grows bigger and rounder, she eventually looses visual contact with her nether regions. Soon, the task of putting on her undergarments becomes less of a concern, and more of a one man circus act. Simply a sneeze, a cough, an unexpected kick to the bladder can all lead to frequent changing of undergarments, and after you've gone through four or five pair on a bad day, you simply do not care about if they're on backwards or not.
I had my appointment coming up that day, and as most women do out of habit, I decided to bath before going in, and being extra sure to wash down below deck, so that things were presentable to my inspector. After all, if he's going to be staring at it, I might as well be courteous enough to make sure there's no left over bits of toilet paper clinging to anything. So, I took my bath and proceeded to dress in my “Mommy clothes”.
Later that evening I arrive to my appointment and not long after my arrival, I am called back to give a urine sample. This is nothing out of the ordinary. So I head off to the restroom to do my thing, and successfully provide a sample. As I am attempting to reapply my undergarment to their proper positions, I realize something is not quiet right. I grab at my waistband and tug it outwards to see what the matter is and notice, the crotch portion of the undergarment is actually on my right waist.
Me: “What the..? How in the world was I able to fit these on sideways?”
I put the toilet seat down and sit down on it, then begin to sob. (Remember, us pregnant women are emotional!)
Me: “Oh my God! I'm so big now that my underwear can fit on me any direction and I don't even notice!”
I wiped my tears with a bit of toilet paper and then it hit me. The humor in it. Maternity underwear are so stretchy that no matter what direction you put them on, they fit! So why not just put a crotch pad area on all sides of the panties? It's not as if it matters anymore. And then I begin to laugh hysterically at myself. I guess it could be worse right? I could have put my bra on backwards and it still felt like it fit fine.
Me: “Great. Not only do I have pants that have a pouch in the front for my gut, but now my panties don't even feel weird when I have them on sideways. Welcome to Motherhood!”
By this time, I am crying from laughing at the whole thought process that has gone through my head and there's a knock at the door.
Nurse: “Are you ok in there? Do you need some assistance?”
Me: (Still laughing uncontrollably) “No.. No.. I'm ok.... I just realized that I've been wearing my preggo panties on sideways all day and feel a little stupid about it. But now I'm just … ..I'll be ok.”
Nurse: (Now laughing on the other side of the door) “Ok.. I'll be waiting out here when you're ready.”
I get my undergarments on the proper way, as if it makes a difference, and proceed to wash my hands and return to the scene of hysterical laughter on the other side of the door. The two nurses are standing there just laughing, and I'm laughing with them. Soon, we're all wiping tears from our eye over something so completely stupid, but somehow it just consumed us with laughter.
Eventually we calm down, and I get myself undressed and into the gown. My doctor is a very kind older man, who works with his wife and his daughter as his nurses. It's a family run practice and I honestly had never felt more at ease than I was while under these wonderful people's care. His daughter was one of my favorites to encounter, as she had a quirky sense of humor like me. So when she come in to do the initial check up, I thought to go ahead and ask my questions now about some things I was curious about.
Me: “So I have some questions, when you have time. It's just a couple of things I was thinking about with this pregnancy.”
Nurse: “OK, shoot!”
Me: “Well, when I go into this new hospital, do they have the policy that I have to be given an enema before delivery? I'd really rather not have to go through that.”
Nurse: “Oh, no. Very few hospitals really even do that anymore. We definitely don't. So no worries there.”
Me: “Oh good. OK. Hmmm, I forgot my other question. Shoot.”
Nurse: “No problem. You'll remember it. I'll be right back. I need to get the gloves from the other room real quick.”
Me: “OK, I'll try to see if I can remember what I wanted to ask then while you're gone.”
She leaves the room and I sit in the quiet room thinking through my brain about that nagging question that I had and then lost in the clutter of my mind. Suddenly, the question hits me. I'm now armed and ready! The nurse comes back in.
Me: “I remembered what I wanted to ask you now! Do you shave down there?”
She stops in her tracks and turns towards me, then smiles.
Nurse: “Well, I do trim, but really I like to keep a little lawn down there for looks”
I instantly blush and nearly choke on my own spit while trying to quickly state I didn't me HER personally!
Me: “That's not at all... uh.. I meant.. me! Not you! Oh my God...”
She starts laughing at my reaction, and pats me on the arm to reassure me.
Nurse: “I knew what you meant. It was just too easy!”
We both cracked up laughing and for the rest of the appointment, I had chuckles bursting out of me just rethinking the experiences. I learned a few things that day. Number one, pregnancy panties aren't picky about how they are worn. Number two, always be sure to insert “me” into a question when inquiring if someone will do something to you.
The fun didn't end there though. Around seven months into my pregnancy, I developed a bit of a heat rash. It was summer after all, in Texas, and we did not have central air, but instead just a window unit at that time. So it would get rather warm in the middle of the night. Warm bodies have one way of cooling off. So naturally, I began to sweat all over, including places I had never really put much thought into sweating. I awoke in the middle of the night very uncomfortable and with the crack of my rear end feeling like someone had lit a match and stuffed it between my buttocks! I was in dire need of relief of the pain. As if having a small person playing soccer with my bladder wasn't uncomfortable enough, now my rear end was on fire. So I waddled over to my medicine cabinet and began rooting around for a cure.
I'm in the bathroom, the lights turned on with the door closed to prevent my husband from being woken up. He's got to work in the morning, and I try not to wake him if I absolutely don't have to. I spot some oral numbing gel and a little light bulb goes off in my head. “If that numbs the cuts in your mouth, then it should work perfectly to spread a little on the area that hurts and numb it right up enough for me to go back to sleep!” Brilliant! I eagerly grab the oral gel and squirt a generous amount onto my finger. I drop my trousers and assume the position (which is not easy to do with a large seven month pregnancy belly before you). Reaching around me carefully, I spread a small amount on the affected area. I pause for a moment to prepare for a slight stinging sensation, and feel it beginning to do just as I had expected. What happened next was beyond my expectations, and entirely ridiculous. The slight stinging progressively turned into a more intense burn, and then a downright agonizing, searing pain.
Me: “Ow... Ow.. OW! Crap!!! OH MY GOD!!! OW OW OW WOWOWWWW! &@%^ that burns!”
I frantically grab a wad of toilet paper and begin futilely wiping at the region I applied the gel to. It only serves to aggravate it more and cause me to hop around in a half bent over position while hold my right buttocks with one hand and waving at the area with the other to produce wind, as if it might cool things off a bit back there. By this time, I realize my hand waving around is simply not producing enough wind to alleviate the condition. So I turn and open the bathroom door to try and and straddle walk my way to the fan in the bedroom. I get tangled up in my pants that are around my ankles and somehow manage to kick them off of my feet. So at this point, I am now bare bottomed and hobbling through my house, repeating “Ow ow ow” in a whispered tone while searching for the fan in the dark bedroom. I turn the fan on, and aim it at the right height, and bend over in front of the fan, so that it can quickly cool my rear end. It works! As I am bent over, holding my buttocks apart for maximized coverage of the cooling air, the light flips on in the room and my husband is looking at me with confusion on his face.
My husband: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Cooling my but off. It's burning. Go back to sleep.”
My husband: “Wha.....Uh...How did you burn your but?”
Me: “I didn't really burn it. It was heat rash and hurting me. So I figured that if I put numbing oral gel on the raw area, it'd numb it up enough to not hurt anymore and I could go back to sleep. But instead it just started burning worse and now I'm trying to cool it off with the fan.”
My husband: “You put what on your but? Oh baby...” (His head is now hanging down and he's smiling to himself and trying to not laugh).
Me: “Quit laughing at me! It's not funny!”
My husband: “You're standing bare butt spread in front of the fan because you put numbing gel on your but crack and it's burning now. Yeah....it's funny.”
Me: (Smirks and lets a chuckle out) “Ok, you have a point.”
And we both laughed, while I winced in pain and waited for the burning sensation to subside. For the record though, eventually, it did numb up. So, I was right, but it come at a price.
With all the fun of pregnancy...It wasn't long before the big day was upon us.