Total Recall ... of medical mishaps

So, I was recalling some pretty whacky medical moments in my life after talking to a friend about something she's dealing with. As usual, I try to make someone feel better and laugh a bit by sharing a few of my own moments of "not so fun" mishaps, when suddenly I realize - I really do have some shit luck sometimes. LOL!

While, I certainly could NOT laugh at these back then, I can't help but crack up laughing now. The stuff I have endured... ugh... some people would totally think I was just randomly making it all up just for laughs. Truth is.... I'm not. LOL!

So, I figure I'd share, because I know a lot of people who could use a laugh, and hey... if I can't laugh at myself, then I might as well just call it quits!

So, in no particular order, here we go....

First up, mastitis and thrust - at the same time. Now, if you don't know what either one is, you might want to employ a trustworthy search engine at this time. Basically, it's two of many issues a breastfeeding Mom has to contend with from time to time. If you are or were a breastfeeding Momma and didn't have the joy of dealing with either of these, congratulations to you!! I wouldn't wish it on anyone but the worst human being in the world. LOL! I had this happen to me for the first time in my life when Autumn was an infant, and I was breastfeeding her. I had no idea, at that time, that I could even get thrush on my boobs, but apparently you can. So, to say the least, I was fairly miserable having itchy nipples that hurt to touch. It took about a week for both to completely heal up. During that week, I debated on chopping off my own breasts for relief. Thank goodness I didn't go through with it though, because I've grown rather fond of my ladies over time. :D

Then there was the time I got pink eye in not one eye, but both eyes. Yep.... both eyes. I'm highly susceptible to conjunctivitis, and back when my ex and I were married, he caught it after having allergy issues from cleaning out his grandmother's dusty old attic. Getting pink eye in both eyes is bad enough, because it means you can't all. But I went two steps beyond to complete and total misery. I was 7 months pregnant with my first child AND I was dealing with my first ever hemorrhoid. *They didn't teach me this stuff in sex education class when I was a kid!!* So, I was big and pregnant, blind, and my butt hurt. Yeah.... not a fun time at all. To make it worse? My doctor prescribed me a bacitracin eye drop. Apparently, I'm allergic to mycin based drugs. So what did my eyes do? They started hemorrhaging. Imagine the horror of the ER staff that saw a blind, very pregnant, woman walking in with bleeding eyes? Fortunately, they were able to stop the damage fast enough and after a thorough examination with an opthamologist, it was determined that I did not suffer enough damage to need new corneas. *SHEW* That was a close call!

After I gave birth to my first son, life seemed to somewhat return to normal for me. Of course, that was after I endured a student doctor who had never birthed a child before, and was overseeing me, cut my whoo-haa to help me give birth.... but he forgot to numb me first, and I still ripped my cervix and walked funny for three weeks after. (Don't worry ladies.... I "accidentally" kicked him in the head when he cut me as a reaction to the pain - he saw stars as a result!) But then I got to go on another health adventure! I did the most American (woman) thing ever, and I shaved my armpits. No big deal, right? After I shaved, I put on deodorant. Again, no big deal! Oh,except that the deodorant blocked my sweat glands, causing them to become infected, and requiring me to get each one lanced and drained. Do you know how many sweat glands there are under the armpit? Me neither... but apparently, it' way more than ONE.

So, off to the doctor I go, which required a visit to the hospital to complete the process. I ended up being given pain medication to cope with the intense pain I'd feed later. Ah... the wonderful Vicodin pill. My first encounter with it was not pretty. I already knew, from my laboring experience with my first child, that pain medications made me loopier than most normal people. I'm super sensitive to medications, and usually need nearly a child's dosage to be OK. Demerol made me turn green and throw up my toes. So that stuff is on my evil list. They gave me a Vicodin pill, and within 20 minutes, I was walking down the hallway of the hospital, hospital gown flapping open in the back, and wandering around totally lost. I was eventually found in the parking lot, apparently trying to make my way home. Of course, once the meds wore off, I was stuck for about a week being totally unable to put my arms down due to massive pain. So yeah... I was like one of those referees who was showing the other team made a goal. LOL!

Fast forward to a time when I was going through postpartum depression. What a wonderful part of motherhood. The thrashing of hormones that wreck havoc in your body and throw you into pits of despair and gloom, then make you cry over the dumbest things. The doctor I went to, to find out if I was loony or what, decided to try me out on a new drug (new back then). I can't remember the name of the stuff now, but I bet if I heard it's name again in the future, my brain would do an emergency roll-a-dex referral and scream at me "F*** NO! STAY AWAY FROM THAT ONE!!!". Anyway, so I took this pill that my doctor advised me to take, and I laid down to take a nap, hopeful that I would feel like the happy me again. Instead, I was awoken to a feeling like someone punched me in the face, and then I was smiling. No.... not because I was happy, but because my face was having muscle spasms and I was being forced into a smile. Of course, at the time, I was living with my Mom, as we were getting the place we were going to move into ready. My Mom was on the phone at the time, and I said, "Something is wrong." She thought I was kidding, of course, because I had a stupid grin on my face. But then she saw tears and realized I was stuck looking like I was imitating the Joker from Batman! It was a horrifying humor! LOL! And while it was only an annoyance at the time, it did hurt somewhat because my muscles were straining so hard. But then it got scary when the muscles in my throat started to react too, and it was closing off my airway. Fortunately, by this time, the ambulance was already on the way. They got to me just in time for my airway to totally constrict. They got me on a vent, started me on saline, and when I got to the hospital, they gave me my very first shot of Valium. After a while, my muscles relaxed and things went back to normal, except that I was a loopy idiot again from pain meds. Once more, I was getting up out of my bed, dragging my IV machine behind me, with my butt flapping in the wind out of the back of my nightgown, and I was waving at the kind nurses, saying, "Thank you!! I love you!! I'm going home now!!" LOL!

Needless to say, those pills found the trash can rather quickly.

Going back to my 2009 entries, you can read how much fun I had in Chapter 3. After the whole birth of my daughter, come the healing process. I was in the hospital for five days, totally unable to feel my legs because of the mega doses of numbing medication I received. Something they don't really explain to you before surgeries, is that when you are put under, your entire digestive system goes to sleep too. When you wake up, your system wakes up too, which means lots and lots of uncomfortable gas! So, to help me cope with the discomfort, the nurse flipped me over onto my abdomen with pillows tucked under my belly, pushing my bottom up into the air to help... *ahem* ... things move along. :) Problem is that I was in a Catholic hospital. In Catholic hospitals, they have nuns...who like to go around blessing new Mommies and babies. So there I was in this compromising position, with one of those blasted hospital gowns, that open at the back (what is it with me and these gowns?) and I hear a knock at the door. I yell, "Hold on!" as I quickly try to cover myself up (easier said than done), when this little nun walks in and is greeted by my butt sticking up in the air. LOL! Of course, she quickly turns her head, and says, "Oh my! I am so sorry! I will come back later!". I assume she thought I said, "COME IN!" instead of "HOLD ON!" and that's why she come in. Well, regardless, she never did come back and bless me. LOL!

And then there was that time that I was suffering through my second pregnancy in a very hot summer with no air conditioning, which meant the unpleasant excessive sweating and chafing. I was so uncomfortable, that I decided I was desperate for relief, and went on a search for pain numbing medication. That's when I found Oragel, and thought it would be a great idea to apply it to the raw area of my booty crack. :) Let's just say, this would not end up being the first time that my husband witnessed me running through the house yelling about my ass being ON FIRE, without bottoms on, and feverishly looking for a fan to hover over.

The second time I was sent frantically looking for a fan to hover over was when I experienced my very first, lovely, yeast infection. God of Love... I would never wish that on even my enemy! It was horrible! I bought the well known brand of itchy cootchy medication, and applied it as instructed, only to be sent running, bare bottomed, throughout my home screaming that my lady parts were on fire! Never again.... never never....

I have many more medical mishaps to share, but for now, I will break here to give your stomach a break from all the laughing. :)

Whew! That was a close call!!

Well, my "no car wreck" streak was broken tonight after a little old man pulled right out in front of me while I was doing down Broad Street doing about 45, on my way back home from picking up Autumn from dance class. 

He was crossing at a intersection break and I saw him on the left getting ready to pull out. I was the only car in two lanes, and I was in the right lane. I knew right away that he was going to go past the left lane and into the right lane because most people do. So I had two choices, I could swerve to the left and risk slamming into the back left end of his giant SUV, or I could chance it and drive up onto the sidewalk for a while and maybe avoid him. Defensive driving skills kicked in. I drove up onto the sidewalk, and I skimmed right by him, just barely grazing him (we exchanged minor amounts of paint and he closed my side mirror LOL). As this was happening, I was point at him and yelling something (which I am not proud of) at him. I was soooo peeved. I really wasn't sure what kind of damage I had. 

I hopped out of the car, immediately checked to make sure the kids were OK, then did a walk around and was stunned to see absolutely no damage at all. *HIGH FIVE TO ME!!!* The poor guy was so shaken up. First he thought he wrecked into a cop. I calmed him down on that. Then he realized I had children in the car with me, and he got upset again. Again, I calmed him down, and then apologized for yelling at him (which I now realize he had no idea I was even yelling at him because he was in his car, and I was in mine... Thank God!! LOL! I would have felt even 100 times worse for cursing at him if he'd have heard me!). He was so so upset and apologetic. He said, "I didn't even see you until we hit. I am so sorry! You did an amazing job at defensive driving young lady! You saved both of us and our cars! I mean, really good decision there!" I said, "Thanks. I've had enough wrecks by now that I can actually see what's going to happen now and find the best route to cause the least amount of damage." LOL! He calmed down once I chatted with him a few moments to reassure him I was OK, the kids were fine, and my car was alright. I do need an alignment as it knocked it out of alignment pretty good. And since I needed new tie rod ends anyway, we just bought the parts and tomorrow James will replace those parts and then go get it aligned. 

Whew... that was a freakin' close call. Oh, and to make it even weirder and more lucky... The last wreck I had was over ten years ago, and it was on my dad's birthday. Today is my Mom's birthday. LOL! And I wrecked right in front of a church, and I stopped just short of a big bell that was on top of the church sign, encased in brick. I was about 20 feet from hitting it. I managed to hit no poles, no people, no mailboxes, and no signs, and all the while, I had only two tires on the street and the other two on the sidewalk. :-O I, literally, was playing bumper cars with the guy. Later I felt even worse for him when he said, with a sigh, "I guess my wife is right. I guess I'm getting to old to drive anymore." Oh... man, talk about making me feel even worse for having yelled at him (even if he couldn't hear me). :( But at least, in the end, we were all OK and got to drive home to tell the tale. In the midst of all of it, Nate braced for impact and Autumn actually took off her seat belt and slid to the opposite side of the car to avoid being crushed by the car hitting because it looked like it was going to hit on her side. I fussed at her for taking off the seat belt at first, but looking at it from her point of view, I can understand what she was thinking now. She was just thinking fast and trying to stay alive. LOL! Everything in the backseat was in her lap on the right side of the car by the time I come to a stop. LOL

Later, when we got home, Autumn broke out into tears because she accidentally dropped and broke the soap stone jewelry box I gave to her. So I had to take a time out to comfort her and tell her we could glue it back together with E6000 glue. Then she tripped and fell off the end of my bed when she went to get up to get a snack. Poor girl is having a rough day. :( So she's cuddled in my bed and eating kitkats now. Nate actually apologized to me for cursing because when we were about to hit, I heard him exclaim "Holy sh**!!!" LOL! It scared him, I think. Both kids said I was drivin' like a race car driver when I was avoiding the wreck. Haha... so yeah... that was my evening so far!!!

Deadly Spaghetti

Earlier today, I got hungry. So I decided I would have some cottage cheese, lettuce, and pears. I knew I had some canned pears somewhere in the pantry, but had to do a little digging. As most know, we live in an RV. That means little bits of space crammed full with lots of stuff. The pantry opens two ways. One side opens through the kitchen, and the opposite side opens from the living area (right over our bed). Fortunately, nothing falls out, unless I open the door and things have been stacked wonky. Yes, this happens, because I have children.

Going back to last week.... we had a Christmas party for an organization I...well...organize. At this party, we had spaghetti. It was the most delicious spaghetti I'd had in a very long time. The host of the party gave me a container of the spaghetti sauce she had prepared along with a full bag of uncooked spaghetti noodles. I brought them home, and the next day (for lunch) I had spaghetti. I opened the package, left it on the counter after cooking some, and figured that someone else would probably want some too since my family kept asking what I was eating and what smelled so good.

What I didn't know is that my son decided that just putting the opened package of noodles on top of the stacks of cans would be A-OK. Well, it wasn't.

Back to the story.... I open the pantry side that is over our bed and my husband already knows to take cover because sometimes cans will fall down. What we didn't expect was the package of spaghetti noodles to be tilted back towards the opening of the door and get hit with a barrage of spaghetti noodles.

I was helpless as the nearly full bag of noodle spilled continuously onto my husband's head, stabbing him with it's pointy little pasta straws in the back of the head, shoulders, and even some going down his back and into his butt-crack.

Of course, I erupt into complaints and gripes over the ignorance and lazy effort of putting up an opened package of noodles and just laying them on top of cans without consideration to them spilling everywhere. Once I was done complaining, I realized I hadn't asked my poor husband if he was injured or not.

"Honey? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just got some spaghetti stuck in my beard and butt crack. That's all."

I couldn't help it. I broke up laughing and had tears rolling down my face.

"Can you imagine the ER trip for that one? 'Sir, how did you lose an eye again?' ... 'I was attacked by spaghetti noodles. It was a trap. My wife went for pears and the noodles were launched.'  .... (Nurse) 'We need a room on the psych ward prepared. We've got a real loon on our hands here!'"

Needless to say, the noodles have been safely packed away, but we're still finding noodle pieces in the bed here and there. *sigh*

Killer Tomatoes! AHHHH!!

I didn't think I scared easy, but I guess as I've gotten older, I do! Earlier today, my sweet neighbor, Madonna (not the pop star) sent a bucket of tomatoes over to me. She grows them organically but so many of them grow that she can't eat them all herself. So I will boil them, mash them, put them in a stew (hah... did ya catch the Lord of the Rings reference there?) and happily eat them. Moving along... today the husband had to work a half day. After work, he agreed to go help his best friend to work on his car. I had planned to go to a meeting of some friends, but the car was important, and his friend has been there for us several times in the past. So I agreed to skip this meeting so my husband could go help him out. He was gone for the majority of the day, but we checked in with one another a couple of times to say hi and I love you. We're sappy like that. Well, as my son is holding the bucket for me to look at, I pick up one odd looking tomato that has a gaping hole in the side. As I turn to look it over, my phone rings.

 Now, I have a certain ring tone for frequent callers. My husband's ringtone is Kate Miller-Heidke's  "Politics in Space" because the men sing a short line in there that says, "pretty much" and it's a phrase my husband says frequently. So the song makes me giggle when I hear it and think of it. Naturally, it deserved to become a ringtone. However, when the phone first rings, it's a guitar strumming noise accompanied with a clap of the tamborine and a drum, So it *can* startle you if you're not prepared. So you can imagine that when I went to examine the freaky looking tomato a little better, and my phone (which was sitting *right next to my hand*) went off, I screamed, threw the tomato and immediately my son broke out into hysterical fits of laughter. Then he proceeded to hold the tomato and give it a voice while making it "walk" across my bed... saying, "Arrgg... I'm going to EAT you!" 

Meanie... It's not nice to make fun of Mom. LOL!

I was abducted by reality!

Well, I had all but forgotten about this blog when I finally realized that I honestly have far too much to talk about, so much in fact that Facebook can't handle me, and my friends keep missing out of the good stuff. So here I am again, but this time... the stories will be more recent, with a splash of the funny things I recall and experienced over time. 

Without further ado.... a few bits that happened between yesterday and today.


I don't like to cook, and I don't hate to cook either. It is a mood thing, entirely. If the mood strikes, I will be up at 3am baking or cooking something that takes me 4 or 5 hours to make - just because I'm weird like that. Other times, I decide I'm tired of what we've been eating for dinner for the past two months and it's time for the menu to get a little flare. (Literally sometimes...)

Last night we had hamburgers. We like sweet potatoes, and so I thought, hmm.. I need to make sweet potato fries. So I looked up recipes and found one that did pretty good with simple directions. (By the way... I figured out that there is zero difference between a sweet potato and a yam... except one is how the Northerners say it, and one is how the Southerners say it - Americans that is.) So, I proceed to chop my taters up into quarter inch lengths and then placed them into ice cold water for 15 minutes. I heated up my oil, and while I normally bake everything, I decided this time I'd try fried. Big mistake....

The first spoon full of taters I pulled from the water (and drained/dabbed with a paper towel) were apparently TOO cold. The second they hit the oil, the oil sprung to life in a violent rolling, bubbling mess. I cook on open flame. You can kind of figure what happened next. But I'll describe it anyway.....

*I jump back... *


*Picks up pot holder and beats the stove like if I wave something around at the fire, it'll get scared and go away.*

*Husband scrambles around the corner. By this time the fire went out*

"Flipping crackers on a stick!!! That was crazy! I almost burned my eyebrows off. I think my arm hairs are...." *sniffs arm*  "yep... I singed my arm hairs.. gah.. that stinks!"

*House fills with smoke*

Hubby: "Does this mean dinner is done now?"

Me: *Gives evil eye*

So... yeah.. I won't be making sweet potato fries like THAT anymore. LOL! However, I did finish the batch and everyone loved them. Oh, and no damage was done from the small stove fire, so that was even better.

While my cooking adventure, today, went well - it was while I was cooking that I overheard my 13 yr old son, Nathaniel, chatting with a friend over voice chat in a game he was playing. It went like this...

Nate: "Ok, is 7pm tomorrow good for you? We'll make the run through there then, if you want."

Friend: "Yeah man.. sounds good. OK, I've gotta go. I gotta go kick an elf. See ya."

Nate: "OK man..." *moment of silence...*  "Wait... what? What did you say? Hey? You still there?"

Meanwhile I am still listening and at that moment I poked my head around the corner..

"Did he say he was going to kick an elf?"

Nate: "I don't think he really said that, but it sounded like it. I wonder what the elf did to deserve getting kicked for?"

LOL!! We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out what his friend really said, I suppose. In the mean time, let's hope no elves were harmed. LOL!

Until next time.....

Chapter Three: Labor & Delivery

The setting:

It's a Tuesday in October, and I'm now 3 days past my due date, feeling huge and uncomfortable. I was sleeping somewhat peacefully until a sharp pain took over my body and drove me into sudden consciousness. I sat straight up in bed, grabbed my enormously round belly and simultaneously let out a yelp and while somehow

Chapter Two: Pregnancy Mishaps

As most mother's know, pregnancy can bring some of the most uncomfortable feelings, ailments, and situations imaginable. For me, all of the above took place. The oddly shaped maternity clothing and the awkward OBGYN doctor appointments are always good for a laugh. When I hit my fifth month of pregnancy, I began to need the pregnancy undergarments and special maternity pants. There's a downside to those pregnancy underwear though. As the woman's belly grows bigger and rounder,