Total Recall ... of medical mishaps

So, I was recalling some pretty whacky medical moments in my life after talking to a friend about something she's dealing with. As usual, I try to make someone feel better and laugh a bit by sharing a few of my own moments of "not so fun" mishaps, when suddenly I realize - I really do have some shit luck sometimes. LOL!

While, I certainly could NOT laugh at these back then, I can't help but crack up laughing now. The stuff I have endured... ugh... some people would totally think I was just randomly making it all up just for laughs. Truth is.... I'm not. LOL!

So, I figure I'd share, because I know a lot of people who could use a laugh, and hey... if I can't laugh at myself, then I might as well just call it quits!

So, in no particular order, here we go....

First up, mastitis and thrust - at the same time. Now, if you don't know what either one is, you might want to employ a trustworthy search engine at this time. Basically, it's two of many issues a breastfeeding Mom has to contend with from time to time. If you are or were a breastfeeding Momma and didn't have the joy of dealing with either of these, congratulations to you!! I wouldn't wish it on anyone but the worst human being in the world. LOL! I had this happen to me for the first time in my life when Autumn was an infant, and I was breastfeeding her. I had no idea, at that time, that I could even get thrush on my boobs, but apparently you can. So, to say the least, I was fairly miserable having itchy nipples that hurt to touch. It took about a week for both to completely heal up. During that week, I debated on chopping off my own breasts for relief. Thank goodness I didn't go through with it though, because I've grown rather fond of my ladies over time. :D

Then there was the time I got pink eye in not one eye, but both eyes. Yep.... both eyes. I'm highly susceptible to conjunctivitis, and back when my ex and I were married, he caught it after having allergy issues from cleaning out his grandmother's dusty old attic. Getting pink eye in both eyes is bad enough, because it means you can't all. But I went two steps beyond to complete and total misery. I was 7 months pregnant with my first child AND I was dealing with my first ever hemorrhoid. *They didn't teach me this stuff in sex education class when I was a kid!!* So, I was big and pregnant, blind, and my butt hurt. Yeah.... not a fun time at all. To make it worse? My doctor prescribed me a bacitracin eye drop. Apparently, I'm allergic to mycin based drugs. So what did my eyes do? They started hemorrhaging. Imagine the horror of the ER staff that saw a blind, very pregnant, woman walking in with bleeding eyes? Fortunately, they were able to stop the damage fast enough and after a thorough examination with an opthamologist, it was determined that I did not suffer enough damage to need new corneas. *SHEW* That was a close call!

After I gave birth to my first son, life seemed to somewhat return to normal for me. Of course, that was after I endured a student doctor who had never birthed a child before, and was overseeing me, cut my whoo-haa to help me give birth.... but he forgot to numb me first, and I still ripped my cervix and walked funny for three weeks after. (Don't worry ladies.... I "accidentally" kicked him in the head when he cut me as a reaction to the pain - he saw stars as a result!) But then I got to go on another health adventure! I did the most American (woman) thing ever, and I shaved my armpits. No big deal, right? After I shaved, I put on deodorant. Again, no big deal! Oh,except that the deodorant blocked my sweat glands, causing them to become infected, and requiring me to get each one lanced and drained. Do you know how many sweat glands there are under the armpit? Me neither... but apparently, it' way more than ONE.

So, off to the doctor I go, which required a visit to the hospital to complete the process. I ended up being given pain medication to cope with the intense pain I'd feed later. Ah... the wonderful Vicodin pill. My first encounter with it was not pretty. I already knew, from my laboring experience with my first child, that pain medications made me loopier than most normal people. I'm super sensitive to medications, and usually need nearly a child's dosage to be OK. Demerol made me turn green and throw up my toes. So that stuff is on my evil list. They gave me a Vicodin pill, and within 20 minutes, I was walking down the hallway of the hospital, hospital gown flapping open in the back, and wandering around totally lost. I was eventually found in the parking lot, apparently trying to make my way home. Of course, once the meds wore off, I was stuck for about a week being totally unable to put my arms down due to massive pain. So yeah... I was like one of those referees who was showing the other team made a goal. LOL!

Fast forward to a time when I was going through postpartum depression. What a wonderful part of motherhood. The thrashing of hormones that wreck havoc in your body and throw you into pits of despair and gloom, then make you cry over the dumbest things. The doctor I went to, to find out if I was loony or what, decided to try me out on a new drug (new back then). I can't remember the name of the stuff now, but I bet if I heard it's name again in the future, my brain would do an emergency roll-a-dex referral and scream at me "F*** NO! STAY AWAY FROM THAT ONE!!!". Anyway, so I took this pill that my doctor advised me to take, and I laid down to take a nap, hopeful that I would feel like the happy me again. Instead, I was awoken to a feeling like someone punched me in the face, and then I was smiling. No.... not because I was happy, but because my face was having muscle spasms and I was being forced into a smile. Of course, at the time, I was living with my Mom, as we were getting the place we were going to move into ready. My Mom was on the phone at the time, and I said, "Something is wrong." She thought I was kidding, of course, because I had a stupid grin on my face. But then she saw tears and realized I was stuck looking like I was imitating the Joker from Batman! It was a horrifying humor! LOL! And while it was only an annoyance at the time, it did hurt somewhat because my muscles were straining so hard. But then it got scary when the muscles in my throat started to react too, and it was closing off my airway. Fortunately, by this time, the ambulance was already on the way. They got to me just in time for my airway to totally constrict. They got me on a vent, started me on saline, and when I got to the hospital, they gave me my very first shot of Valium. After a while, my muscles relaxed and things went back to normal, except that I was a loopy idiot again from pain meds. Once more, I was getting up out of my bed, dragging my IV machine behind me, with my butt flapping in the wind out of the back of my nightgown, and I was waving at the kind nurses, saying, "Thank you!! I love you!! I'm going home now!!" LOL!

Needless to say, those pills found the trash can rather quickly.

Going back to my 2009 entries, you can read how much fun I had in Chapter 3. After the whole birth of my daughter, come the healing process. I was in the hospital for five days, totally unable to feel my legs because of the mega doses of numbing medication I received. Something they don't really explain to you before surgeries, is that when you are put under, your entire digestive system goes to sleep too. When you wake up, your system wakes up too, which means lots and lots of uncomfortable gas! So, to help me cope with the discomfort, the nurse flipped me over onto my abdomen with pillows tucked under my belly, pushing my bottom up into the air to help... *ahem* ... things move along. :) Problem is that I was in a Catholic hospital. In Catholic hospitals, they have nuns...who like to go around blessing new Mommies and babies. So there I was in this compromising position, with one of those blasted hospital gowns, that open at the back (what is it with me and these gowns?) and I hear a knock at the door. I yell, "Hold on!" as I quickly try to cover myself up (easier said than done), when this little nun walks in and is greeted by my butt sticking up in the air. LOL! Of course, she quickly turns her head, and says, "Oh my! I am so sorry! I will come back later!". I assume she thought I said, "COME IN!" instead of "HOLD ON!" and that's why she come in. Well, regardless, she never did come back and bless me. LOL!

And then there was that time that I was suffering through my second pregnancy in a very hot summer with no air conditioning, which meant the unpleasant excessive sweating and chafing. I was so uncomfortable, that I decided I was desperate for relief, and went on a search for pain numbing medication. That's when I found Oragel, and thought it would be a great idea to apply it to the raw area of my booty crack. :) Let's just say, this would not end up being the first time that my husband witnessed me running through the house yelling about my ass being ON FIRE, without bottoms on, and feverishly looking for a fan to hover over.

The second time I was sent frantically looking for a fan to hover over was when I experienced my very first, lovely, yeast infection. God of Love... I would never wish that on even my enemy! It was horrible! I bought the well known brand of itchy cootchy medication, and applied it as instructed, only to be sent running, bare bottomed, throughout my home screaming that my lady parts were on fire! Never again.... never never....

I have many more medical mishaps to share, but for now, I will break here to give your stomach a break from all the laughing. :)

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